Lost & Broken

i was gonna climb in bed.
carl was completely covered up to his neck by the blanket. it looked a bit weird.
"i'm in a sleeping bag with philip." he said.
i was a bit confused. sleeping bag in bed?

i climbbed to the other side, then i saw philip's head under the blanket far beneath the pillow. i lied down next to him. my right hand landed naturally on his head.
i started to rub his earlobe, like i always did to carl.
philip's was thin and small. i was touching his face too.
he licked my index finger while i was rubbing his face. i felt my heart missed a beat.
then i was touching his lips. he started to suck my finger.
i took my hand back.
"why are you sleeping in the middle of the bed. could you breath there?" i asked him.
he moved up a bit. his face was next to my shoulder. then he turned, left his back to me.
so i turned, spooning him. i could feel his back skin on my tummy. it was warm and smooth.
i put my arm around him, touching his chest.
he turned back and kissed me on the lips. the moment i felt his tongue i pushed him away.

carl reached outhis arm to grab me. he was angry.
we were fighting.
"you are all over him!" carl yelled.
"no i wasnt!" my defense seemed weak.

we kept on fighting with philip inbetween us.
carl grabbed my thigh so firm i was hurt badly.

philip got up and walked out. so did carl.

silence...

all of sudden i heard philip yelling "you dont deserve her!" then something heavy fell down on the floor.

i rushed out, saw philip lying on the floor and carl's angry face.

"you punched him!" i cried.
i felt heart broken. i started to cry, and calling ambulance. philip's eyes were already bruised. and several small wounds around eye area bleeding.

i was sitting next to philip's bed. he's awake and smiling. some of his friends came over visiting him.
it wasnt a big deal. he wasnt hurt too bad.
"you lucky bastard. your friends really care about you" i said with a smile.
he grinned.

i thought, so is he and i together now? damn if fiona knows she'd kill me! (she has a crush on philip)

FaNi says: (3:28:47 PM)
i'm reading resume now
FaNi says: (3:29:12 PM)
actually i found a very arrogant guy
FaNi says: (3:29:35 PM)
who sounds like he's everything in the world
Sarah says: (3:30:05 PM)
really?
Sarah says: (3:30:07 PM)
send me
FaNi says: (3:31:18 PM)
hold on
Sarah says: (3:32:01 PM)
k
 FaNi would like to send you the file "Questionnaire_Technician.doc" (151 Kb). Transfer time is less than 2 minutes with a 28.8 modem. Do you want to  (Ctrl+T) or  (Ctrl+D) the invitation?

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Sarah says: (3:36:39 PM)
is this guy chinese or sth
FaNi says: (3:36:48 PM)
chinese
Sarah says: (3:36:50 PM)
his english is REALLY poor
FaNi says: (3:36:55 PM)
i know
Sarah says: (3:39:36 PM)
i could barely understand his english
Sarah says: (3:39:55 PM)
there is no grammar whatsoever
FaNi says: (3:40:05 PM)
just try to understand it by the chinglish way
Sarah says: (3:40:07 PM)
he is not arrogant
Sarah says: (3:40:27 PM)
he is just poor in written english
FaNi says: (3:40:57 PM)
so u think when he writed: to give the other guys the chance for prmote is also just b/z the poor english
Sarah says: (3:41:18 PM)
oh thats not arrogant
Sarah says: (3:41:23 PM)
thats pure stupidity
FaNi says: (3:41:30 PM)
haha
Sarah says: (3:41:59 PM)
arrogance is something you have when u actually hv the qualification to be too proud of
FaNi says: (3:42:17 PM)
ohhh,yes
FaNi says: (3:42:18 PM)
sorry
FaNi says: (3:42:22 PM)
yes,he's stupid
Sarah says: (3:42:35 PM)
:)
FaNi says: (3:42:35 PM)
so i just threw his resume into the trash can
Sarah says: (3:42:37 PM)
no worries
Sarah says: (3:42:39 PM)
haha
Sarah says: (3:42:47 PM)
not necessary i would so
Sarah says: (3:42:52 PM)
as a techinican
Sarah says: (3:43:04 PM)
it is more important if he knows his professional field
Sarah says: (3:43:14 PM)
you dont hv to know rocket science to do that
Sarah says: (3:43:24 PM)
u just hv to be more objective
FaNi says: (3:43:59 PM)
but he's professional at the ink thing
FaNi says: (3:44:05 PM)
i dont think they are that similar
Sarah says: (3:44:11 PM)
lol
Sarah says: (3:44:17 PM)
that was a figure of speech
Sarah says: (3:44:27 PM)
what i am saying is, as long as he knows his shit
Sarah says: (3:44:38 PM)
it is ok to tolerant some stupidity
Sarah says: (3:44:50 PM)
after all, there aint many smart ppl around
Sarah says: (3:45:02 PM)
and if they r really smart, they wouldnt be a technician
Sarah says: (3:45:28 PM)
and when it comes to human resource, try to be more objective.
Sarah says: (3:45:37 PM)
rational is not gonna help you with your job
Sarah says: (3:46:05 PM)
u cant just hire someone because he/she is more your cup of tea
FaNi says: (3:46:54 PM)
but if he cant pass from me, he definitely cant pass from my boss
FaNi says: (3:47:19 PM)
and i just realized that i thought he was applying for sale rep.
Sarah says: (3:47:49 PM)
i wouldnt be so sure about that
Sarah says: (3:48:28 PM)
after all, you probably dont know much about paint technician jobs
FaNi says: (3:48:58 PM)
he specificly require ppl who can speak english for this position
FaNi says: (3:49:22 PM)
b/z the technical director here can only speak bu ke yi,that's almost all his chinese
Sarah says: (3:49:29 PM)
ha ha
FaNi says: (3:49:47 PM)
if they cant communicate,there will be big problems
Sarah says: (3:49:54 PM)
i think its survivable
Sarah says: (3:50:02 PM)
most ppl speak crappy english
Sarah says: (3:50:23 PM)
i am all anal when it comes to grammar and pronunciation
Sarah says: (3:50:35 PM)
but the reality is, what else do u hv on your plate
Sarah says: (3:50:51 PM)
it also depends on how urgent is it to find someone to fill the position
FaNi says: (3:50:52 PM)
u surely dont wanna hear any chinese in our office speaking english to u
Sarah says: (3:50:53 PM)
u know
FaNi says: (3:51:03 PM)
even the girl used to study in canada
Sarah says: (3:52:01 PM)
well as i said
Sarah says: (3:52:15 PM)
there aint many "perfect" ppl out there
Sarah says: (3:52:28 PM)
u just hv to pick the least worst one
Sarah says: (3:54:17 PM)
i havent studies human resource or anything
Sarah says: (3:54:29 PM)
but i know reality is crucial
Sarah says: (3:54:38 PM)
u hv to deal with it and pick the best possible
Sarah says: (3:54:48 PM)
u dont always find what u want

've always known we, chinese girls, have a pretty bad name.

i cant really deny it, i dont really care, but i do get pissed off sometimes since i AM chinese. thus i wonder how did we get such a bad name.
and there! i got my answer today, by those hilarious/sad personal ads girls put online.
here is what it gets at its worst/best:

enjoy! have a good laugh.

and i know it is difficult and all that, but try to keep it in mind, not all chinese girls are like that. just like people from all over the world, we have our fair shair of bad seeds 

stayed up all night, for noting. completely stupid.

had been crying for hours, for nothing basically. i started to wonder if i really have mental problems. or it is just a common physical need to human being that i need to be sentimental, and cry some tears from time to time.

drank loads of water, heated up some food then left them in the microwave to become cold again. i am hungry, but i couldnt be bothered to go to the kitchen and actually eat the food. just lost the appetite. dont know why.

that urge came back, after all these years - i need to disappear from people, at least for 1 day. just hang around on the other side of the city, being aimless, being alone, being stupid. i guess it's because i have been seeing toine non-stop for 2 mths.

i was thinking of tong. i always think of him when i need a good cry. no its not because how painful our relationship used to be. i never hated him. as a matter of fact i am not really clear about the reason why him or that period of time always has been a good motivation to cry.

but thinking of that gets me wonder: is it wrong to be with someone who you are not so crazy about? should I just settle with what i have now? it is not like i dont love my boyfriend or anything. its just ... when you had a relationship worth (used to) dying for, it is pretty hard to beat. i know its absolutely unfair to compare the 2 since i am not the same girl in that relationship anymore and i'd probably reacted differently if i met tong only now. but still, it gets wonder...

looking at myself in the mirror, the girl in the reflection looks like crap. eyes are red and swollen, with gloom written all over her face.

i saw yellow leaves on the floor next to the lily vase. i got sad. only half of the flower bulbs had blossomed. what am i suppose to do with them now? i should throw it away cause it is dying and i cant watch it die it irritates me like mad. but i cant throw it away cause it'd be so brutal to those ones which havent blossomed yet. how could you destory something before it has its best time of its life? it is unfair. 

maybe stop buying fresh flowers would be a smart idea. so would going to bed now.

but... i never really cared about good ideas...  

 - that message was so strongly and beautifully sent by stanley kubrick's classic "Clockwork Orange".

i am not considering the "slut" here as a negative word, though usually it'd piss me off when i hear the s word used on me.

truth is truth. luxury brands do tickle my most sensitive nerve and make the most common style suddenly become a lot more appealing. and usually it also stands for taste, top quality workmanship, premium material (i am speically fond of high quality leather!) and very fine cutting, etc... so yeah, i dont mind being called as a brand slut.

i have a super size closet, accoridngly to other ppl, which i dont find it THAT big. when ppl see my shoe closet, usually they go "fuck!" or "Jesus". but still, i sometimes find i miss some bags or shoes to go with certain clothes. 

my newest love is a pr of gorgeous christian louboutin boots. i had never seen anything this perfect for me. really there is nothing i could complain about it, which doesnt happen very often. well, if i have to come up with one, i wish they were cheaper. but thn if you see lots of ppl wearing it, it also defeats the purpose of having them i guess.

 since i am only into top brands and i am not born rich, i am often broke. i am that kind person who'd spend couple thousands on a wallet and thousands on shoes when i used to only make 10,000 a mth. 

who cares about money. if what i am buying is gonna make me happy, it certainly beats having those paper with chairman mao on it in my bank account.  

after all, life is all about experience the most you can and make yourself happy, now isnt it?

my latest purchase is a burberry handbag. it has the right size, not too bag not too small, right shape, looks just belong to where it should be under your arms, right color, classical burberry check with patent black leather piping, right accessories, gloss heavy metal D rings, buckles and zip puller. i am in the bag and luggage business. i know what takes to make a upscale bag. and i am absolutely anal and increditibly picky when it comes to bags. 

 

i just cant stand any flaws and thats why i cant shop fake ones. i dont know how i do it but i always see the smallest scratch on the metal parts, or slightly crooked buckle, etc. so whatever end up in my closet, just has to be the most perfect piece.

sometimes i also wish i could be less picky. but then that wouldnt be me. 

i love that oscar wilde quote, "i have the simplest taste... i'm always satisfied with the best." in my boyfriend's word, i have expensive taste, which is pretty much true. and i am not ashamed of it. 

yes this might sound somehow cocky or arragont, but, i believe i am those ppl who are able to carry designer stuff. i most defnitely almost wear the clothes, will never let any clothes wear me.

those ppl who could make a 100 kuai shirt looks like a dior homme shirt, i adore you! you dont have to spend thousands of dollars  to look good. of course it is never a bad thing if you could.

those ppl who make a real hermes birkin looks like a knockoff, i despite you! it is such a waste for those fine products to end up with ppl like that. money can buy you fashion, but it cant buy you the look. you will just end up look like somebody who just won a lottery from ML class. here is a good sample: http://www.notsoraggedyane.com/

 

i am actually sexually frustrated. not because i cant have sex. i could have plenty if i want, but unfortunately not in the way i want.

 my boyfriend is a bit obsessed with S&M. i am not as keen as him. i didnt mind a lil bit but i really have to be in the mood to do that since usually i'd be the sub one. because i am someone with quite a big ego in real life, being dominated when i am not in the mood just annoys me, terribly. 

 he claimed that i was more cooperative before. but now i always say no to toys etc. i feel bad doing so. i feel guilty. then that emotion sometimes puts me in a position to do things i wouldnt want to do but feel oblligated to do, which upsets me. i admit, i love myself more than anything or anyone in this world. so upsetting myself is not something i'd be happy to do on a regular basics. 

then things went into a bad circulation. the more he pushes me for kinkly sex, the more i wanna run away, the more often i say no, the more frustrated he'd be, then the more he becomes pushy. 

 finally we ended up with this conversation at 3 o'clock in the morning. how the heck are we going to cope? 

i dont see a solution. i cant ask him not to want the sex he wants, its just not fair. i dont want to force myself into something i dont like, especially when you are suppose to enjoy sex instead of just doing it because you are somehow obligated.

 he asked me if i was thinking of  breakingup. i said i didnt. but that idea did slip my mind. after all, it is a very important thing for a relationship, whether the sex life is good or not. but i gave him another suggestion: he should find someone who also enjoys S&M sex and get it over with. of course he said no. he's not such person who'd cheat, i truly believe that. but with me knowing he'd be sleeping with another woman, i dont think you could call that cheating anymore. i actually think it's gonna be good to our relationship. he would be satisfied, less pushy, and we could maybe work things out eventually.

 i just wanna have some normal sex. why is that impossible. 

and who says that being a couple means you couldnt have sex with someone else? who ever come up with the idea loyalty? and why some ppl think think physical cheating is cheating and the other think having crush on someone else rather than your partner is even worse than just simply sleeping with another person?

who is being ridiculous? me asking him to sleep with another woman? or he actually refused it?

of course "big" man here doesnt mean physically big man. i really dont fancy that. not i like skinny "some wind could blow me away" type of guys, but average build would be ideal.

this "big" i am talking about is something like generous. but then generous is more related to money, which is only a part of being "big". after all, i am not saying i like my man to spread his money all over other people - that's not necessary and stupid and retarded. so i'd prefer to refer to such quality of a person as "big".

if a guy is a big man in his heart or not, is something matters a lot to me. if i was seeing someone and i found out he's kinda "small", in Chinese we say "Xiao Qi", then that'd be a deal breaker for me.
yes it might sound ridiculous, but that's how important if my boyfriend is a big man or not to me.

i think in general guys are usually "bigger" than girls. after all women are more famous for remembering bad things and more obsessed with revenge, which i totally despite. i might look like a girl, but somehow deep down inside, i am more of a tom boy type. so it's safe for me to say, i am rather a "big" girl compare to most girls, which is exactly why if my man is "big" enough is so crucial to me.

i understand this  (not being "big") is not some prob which would happen daily. but whenever it does happen, it irritates me like mad.

since i am such an inpatient, bitchy, spoilt, short tempered, weird person, i fully understand that you always have to give up something, to cope, to sacrifice, to make changes, to be with someone else. but there are things i could ignore (such as not being as neat as i am, or lose my time of being alone, or not having a pet, etc), there are also things i cant tolerant (for example, ask the same question over and over even with an answer from me already, or being small, or stupidity).

i especially hate ppl saying crap to me like, you should do this, cause that'd improve your life or make you a better person, and I know it's good for you.
uh, hello? what the fuck do YOU know what is good for ME? do i look like a copy of you? i know what's the best for me. and no one else knows better. especially since i am so strange and most ppl dont think like i do, or function in a similar way, i am very sure you have no idea what is like being me. so pls, dont stick your finger in my plate and try to teach me what is wrong or right.

i believe everyone has the right to choose whatever they want for their lives. even it seems extremely wrong and stupid to you, it doesnt mean it is absolutely wrong to them too. not everyone wants to live the celebrity life with big house and fancy car. some ppl just love to settle with a regular job and a small apt outside the city. what gives you the right to blame them for not being ambitious, or to call them losers. what if they are way happier than you are?

too many ppl are too nosey, too enthusiastic, have way too much time in hand to care about other ppl's lives. i wish everyone would just take care of themselves and leave other ppl alone. then everyone could have their own peaceful life.

so if my boyfriend or the guy i am seeing happens to be one of those ppl with such qualities i hate, i have no choice but leave. cause even knowing being together is all about work out things together, i could only take that much to upset myself. honestly i have no clue how much is that much. but when time comes, i shall be able to tell. then i guess that'd be a smart time to quit.

as i always say, knowing when to give up is also a key point to success. admitting your own mistake first, then you'd be able to correct it and leave without losing everything, to be able to start all over again .